I was in such a daze yesterday from meeting that girl, who’s
name is Hang, that I forgot to write about the talk I had with Chinh. We had
another argument about the type of music I listen to, and I really put him into
his place this time.. I compared him to my old neighbor, he was man who just
like Chinh would lecture us all about everything, but in the end he was worse
then us all, he was a disgusting pervert who raped a helpless 9 year old
mentally ill girl. Sometimes I wonder what Chinh has done, what sorts of
pursuits he’s followed in his free time when he to isn’t lecturing everyone
about proper “communist” behavior. I know that back at home he’s the exact same
kind of person who whipped my whole family without blinking an eye. He would
kill off a whole family if he believed it was what would make the authorities
happy, If that’s what would bring the money into his pockets. Here he goes
around criticizing the way that young people spend their time, when really he’s
the one who has no idea what he’s doing, doesn’t care what he’s doing as long
as it doesn’t muddy his name. It’s strange to think that he can live with
himself, he sees no problem whatsoever in what he does and it’s as if he doesn’t
understand what I keep on telling him. He doesn’t see through what I am saying,
he doesn’t see how I’m pointing out everything he’s done in his life, and
showing his how it was wrong. How all he did was play with people’s lives for a
party program that only benefited his pocket. He doesn’t want to understand me,
because the minute he does he will crack and break into a million pieces. He’s
formed his whole life around these principles and the minute his faith in them falters,
he will understand how he’s waited his life and the lives of the people around
him all this time. I feel bad for him, it hurts me to see someone so dedicated
to not seeing what is right in front of their nose.
Last night one of the girls that Hai slept with came over
looking for him and Khoa wanted us to tell her he wasn’t here. Here we are men,
men who are trying to earn a living, and Khoa can’t even face a girl that he
had sex with. He can’t even get himself to see her as a human being with
feelings, someone who could get attached, and expects us to see her like that
to. I couldn’t let that happen so I told Hai to go get her before she left the
building and bring her back here so that Khoa could face what he’s done, but it
was to late, she was already gone. Such a shame, poor girl…
This morning when I got out of the shower, Hang had just
woken up. She looked so peaceful and comfortable, like a baby who just got up
from a nap, or a bird who’s just started singing, or a sun that has just risen.
I now understand, after thinking about it last night, why she seemed so
strange. It was her air, but also the fact that I knew her from somewhere else,
she was the girl that dressed so strangely when I was in college in Vietnam.
Even then, she was like this, and yet she’s changed so much at the same time.
It’s as if she has become a woman in the last 3 years, to such a point that I
could not recognize her the first time I saw her. When she woke up I reminded her that we had
seen each other on the first day of university. She told me that she had to
stop studying because she needed to support her family in Russia, and that the
only reason why she was here right now was because Chinh called her over saying
that he was very sick. That’s when everything made sense. This was the way
Chinh was going to make sure the import business went by smoothly, he was going
to use his niece and force her to help under the pretext that he was still
sick. I know he knows no shame, and yet I feel guilty for what he is doing to
his niece, even though I have no part in it. I don’t understand where these
feelings are coming from, but I cannot help it. No matter how much this system
has forced me to become a robot, I can’t stop myself from these little sprouts
of feeling. I knew that if I gave her enough money to give to Chinh he would
leave her alone and higher someone new. I had some cash that I had saved up in
case the chance for a good investment came up, so I gave that ot her so that
she could save herself. She’s so frail, I don’t think she could take this job.
At first she refused, but then when I insisted she finally gave in.
I hope I’ll see here again.
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