Journal Entry 9

I’m completely aware of the fact that Hang does not harbor the same feelings for me that I have for her. I also know that she wouldn’t stay here with me even if I asked, that even if there was something there she wouldn’t follow it because of the responsibilities she has for her family back home. I know all of this, and I knew all of this even from the first day that we met, but a man can’t help himself. I can’t help the fact that I’m human, and to be honest, I’m savoring this pain that is in my heart. I’m enjoying every minute of feeling, every time I think of her it’s as if someone is squeezing my heart, so hard that hot boiling blood gushed out and spreads all through my body. It’s painful, so painful, and yet so perfect. It’s nothing like anything I’ve ever felt before, and yet I know that it will be short lived. She won’t stay and I probably won’t ever see her again. If I do ever end up getting married because of necessity or tradition, not because of love, I know that her image will stay imprinted in my mind as the symbol of everything I couldn’t have, everything that has slipped through my fingers until that point.

This morning Hang woke up by herself and I offered a ride to the train station, she accepted happily, I’m guessing she was thankful Chinh wasn’t going to be dropping her off.  I could tell that she was uncomfortable during the car ride there, as if she had never been alone with a man before. We didn’t talk the whole way, every time I glanced at her she was looking out the window. When we finally arrived, I bought her a train ticket and something to eat, and even got a pass so I could be with her until the very last minute. Again, I repeat, I know that I have no chance, but the least I could do was be a gentleman to her so that she wouldn’t forget me. Maybe one day we would see each other again and have more time to get to know each other. Maybe.. Maybe.. Maybe, the world is so full of possibilities. Before she got on the train she shook my hand and thanked me for everything, her hand was so gentle and small, it was difficult for me to let it go. Just the mere touching of our hands had made a shudder go down my back. She asked me about how I started working with Chinh and told me that everything had gone just as I had told her it would. I told her that I knew many people I knew here, that they all have the same tricks up there sleeve and all come from the same broken past of unfulfilled dreams. The train came, I shook her hand again, savoring every second of it, and hoisted her bag onto the platform.

My eyes watered as the train started off, and I had to wipe away a tear once it was lost on the horizon.