This morning I woke up early and walked to the park that was
by my house. I laid down in the grass, spread my arms out, and watched the sun
slowly melt into the sky and illuminate the trees. I watched it seep in through
the leaves and create a green twilight, framing the young women walking their
baby carriages and the men hurrying off to work. I turned my head sideways and
watched the ants desperately try to climb and conquer the grass, wondering what
I looked like from their perspective. It gave me time to think, laying there and
soaking in the calmness of the morning. I thought again about my mother, how
she would feel if she saw me happy and in love, lying on the floor. She would
be happy, so happy to see that my fire has not completely been burned out, that
I’m really human under everything. And what about Gu, what would he do? Would
he spit on me? Or would he see me, so calm and content, and be jealous, so
jealous that he forget all of his spite and lays next to me? I wish, I wish
everyone could lay down next to me, my brother, my mother, and Hang, I wish
they could share this peacefulness that I’m feeling right now.
Under the pretext that I forgot something, I went back to
Chinh’s during the day, which is something I never do, just to see whether Hang
was awake. When I went there, she was sound asleep. I asked Chinh whether she
woke up at any time and he told me that he tried to wake her up an hour ago but
she shooed him away. I could imagine it completely, Hang waking up irritated by
Chinh’s voice, telling him to leave her alone, Chinh, looking at her with a
sideways glance and then going back to whatever he was doing. “I’ll try to wake
her up in a few minutes again, she has to eat something,” he then said. I told
him he shouldn’t even think about, the girl needs some sleep and he had no
right to deprive her of it. Anyways, the only reason why she came here was to
do your dirty duty, we all know that. He looked at my surprised and said that
he wouldn’t be using her for his plan, he said he had never even thought of it.
He told me that he’s been saving up some money for this, and that he’s going to
hire someone to do it for him. He said that he had sent for Hang when he was
sick, but that she was only able to come once he got better. What a liar, what
a dirty of liar, lying and spitting right in my face. Of course he saved up
money, of course, who wouldn’t believe it? I mean, he is a high ranking communist
official, and we all know that they respect the law, do not believe in using
people. They are the representatives of moral good in our society, how could I
forget! I left, there and then, or else I wouldn’t be able to hold myself from
pointing out that he was lying to me, without even faltering one bit. Maybe if
I had fished around, asked him a few questions about how long he’s been
accumulating the money, which money he’s been accumulating and the exact reason
why he’s never told us about this hidden treasure before he might have faltered,
but I couldn’t be bothered. I was already thoroughly disgusted and could not handle
any more Chinh.
When I came back for dinner Hang was still asleep. Chinh had
made us fried noodles. He looked very satisfied with himself the whole time.
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